ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Sign at work today
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
and this one
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks