ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
want me to check your oil?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.