Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

🤣

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

sure, why not

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.