ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity