Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Alexa turn off the planet
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
