Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Those are good neighbors.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
