Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
(Jupiter –
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
rapatouille
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
