Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M