Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Jesus Christ lmao

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*