Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs