Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The symmetry is uncanny.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident