Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.