Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.