Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Was it something I said?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups