Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left