Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.