Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

same but as an audience member

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

i wish i could marry a nap

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.