Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you