Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted