me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
You Might Also Like
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Based Erika
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Kermit goes Blue.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor