me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Fun Things
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr