me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
That was easy.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Hell yeah 👍
