me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
🤣🤣🤣
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.