Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

Sharon I have some bad news