Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN