Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix