Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Festive toon…
