Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Cop lights are so pretty at night

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.