Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire