Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Meeeee too!

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear