Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
uncle dave has been through hell
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?