Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
You Might Also Like
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
