Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

can’t bark with your mouth full

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

I’m ready to try another planet.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine