Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Stop sending me this shit.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence