@PickleRudd

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

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@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@Peauxtassium

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@causticbob

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@UncleBob56

Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.

Me: *swallows* It’s donut.

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@Cheeseboy22

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.