Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

You Might Also Like


Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…


I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.


CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though


Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway


“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”


All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream


Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.

Me: *swallows* It’s donut.


friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food


Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.