Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A Monday every week is excessive
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
