Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
