me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
@ candidates for local office
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.