Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

ㅤ

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now