Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

just gave your address to some spiders

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.