Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…