Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Bro what is this

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS