Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Cake!!

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.