Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Tell me you get it…🤣

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do