Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
i love modern commerce
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It was worth a shot 😂
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.