Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

🪶

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.