Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Coffee for people with no kids

birds and squirrels envy us

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.