Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.