Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too