Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
long lost
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay