Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My love language is hissing.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.