Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Autocorrect completely socks

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*