Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.