Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
cry laughing at this shit
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie