Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.