Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
when you order from DoorDastardly
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.