Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Matthew was born for this.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩