Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Ugh but profoundly

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here