Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
At least he brought enough for everyone
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.