Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.