ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
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Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.