Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
describing stardew valley
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later