Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.