Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Wait a second…

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.