Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd