Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.