Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle