ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before