ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Lmao
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
every single time
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.