Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

How times have changed.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.