me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Tastes like chicken.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
War & Peace
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden