me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Last-minute gift idea!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.