Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.