Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish