Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.