Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.