Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards